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Marching To The Tuna My Own Drum

I just ate one of my favorite lunch sandwiches. It’s a classic with my own personal twist and improvements, so if you’re one of my loyal readers get ready to take notes and if you’re reading my blog for the first time, consider subscribing and taking notes for your own benefit.

Start by broiling bread as you would for any sandwich.

I dumped out a tin of solid white albacore into a bowl but you can use any type of tuna that you like. Mash it up good with a fork.

Mix in a heaping tablespoon of mayonnaise. There’s nothing worse than a bland sandwich so you want to make sure those dull, tasteless fibers of tuna are smothered head to toe in magnificent mayo.

A few healthy streams of hot sauce, I use Texas Pete, will add both zing and zest to your dish and add some nice color and variety.

Throw some black pepper into the fray.

Flip your bread over so the other side starts to broil. Place a slice of cheese on one of the slices of bread to allow it to fuse into the bread.

Take some of your homemade pickled red onions and add them to the tuna concoction. If you forgot to pickle some red onions then put the sandwich on hold until you make some.

And there you have it, a sandwich so good that I was willing to cut off ties with my family when they didn’t support my efforts to join the Subway sandwich design team by pitching this exact sandwich to them. Unfortunately, I ended up cutting off ties with the folks at Subway too, which stung even more and I implore them to reconsider their position on the Spicy Tuna Torpedo sandwich.


Mares Eat Oats And I Eat Oats

Many fledgling cooks will tell you to cook real oats instead of instant oatmeal for a hearty and nutritious breakfast but any real advanced cook knows that instant oatmeal is great for saving time and resources. There’s already sugar and fruit in it so it saves your own sugar and fruit so you can use them for other more important dishes. So how do you cook instant oatmeal? I’ll show you.

First thing’s first: pour one of your oatmeal pouches into a bowl. The employees at the production company have already measured out a serving for you so please use the whole thing.

Fill the bowl with some cold tap water. Some cooks say the like to use milk because it has more body and nutrition but think about it. We’re about to stick this in the microwave and all that liquid is going to evaporate. It’s not milk time yet.

We’re going to microwave our oatmeal for one minute and thirty seconds. This is very important guys, please use your microwave splash shield, you’ll see why momentarily.

As you can see, my splash shield contained quite a few renegade oatmeal particles. This would be all over my microwave if I didn’t use my splash shield.

This picture represents unsuccessfully contained oatmeal particles even when I was using my splash shield, imagine how much there would be without.

This oatmeal is too thick and dry for consumption. See if some of you beginners can guess what the next step is before scrolling down to the answer.

Douse it in milk guys. This is what will make our breakfast unforgettable.

If you followed all these steps correctly you should be looking at a bowl of oatmeal this good. Make sure to let your bowl soak immediately after you finish eating to expedite particle liberation.

DWD’s Long-Awaited Return Megapost Click If You Like Any Of These Keywords: Yogurt, Nutrition, Food, Comeback, Slam Dunk, Breakfast

It’s been way too long since I posted and I’m dying to share with all of you guys what I did on my fun-filled week away from my Apple computer. This is a megapost.

I had a variety of different breakfasts, not the least of which was strawberry yogurt and granola. Nothing beats the smooth and crunchy combo and there’s plenty of protein and nutrients in this dish that will keep you going for hours. I prefer strawberry yogurt to other flavors.

I wasn’t the only one eating breakfast last week! A friend of mine whipped up a quick batch of scrambled eggs, bacon and cottage cheese. I didn’t ask for a bite because I find the practice barbaric but I could tell just from the looks of it and the smell of it that it was divine.

A grilled cheese is fine and most of you would probably think there’s nothing to be done to improve upon this dish and make it dazzle.

Incorrect guys. Spreading jelly over the top of a grilled cheese will add a powerful sweet balance to the zesty saltiness of the cheese. If you aren’t eating your grilled cheese with jelly you aren’t eating grilled cheese.

I watched an animated Japanese series entitled Lucky Star in it’s entirety. It followed the lives of kawaii chibi high school students Tsukasa Hiiragi, Konata Izumi, Kagami Hiiragi, and Miyuki Takara. The series was funny and heartwarming and made me wish that the characters of the show were my own friends in real life.

I rewarded myself with a frozen pizza after confronting a gentleman on the public transit who I thought was speaking too loudly. I was just saying what was on everyone’s mind.

Cereal and milk is a classic dish in the same way that old books are classic literature. I buy generic cereal because they’re cheaper and tend to have better nutritional value than the bigwig company stuff.

I know I would never be so careless to leave something like this out guys! It must’ve been my live-in girlfriend. I think I might’ve mentioned her existence here before. I don’t know, in any case, I just had to share this pic! I’ll have to ask her not to do this again.

Pay attention here because I’m going to teach you what to do if you don’t want to finish all the coffee in your French press at once but you don’t want to let it sit and get cold.

Put your cold coffee in the microwave and zap it and it’s like fresh hot coffee. That’s all for my megapost guys. Hope you have the endurance to make it through this post that’s shaping up to be just as long as those classic books! Only not as boring. Stay tuned for more great recipes and great ideas.

Lies Al Fredo

I haven’t been cooking a lot lately so I haven’t been posting but I’m dying to share some of my experience and knowledge with you guys. No one likes to admit that they masturbate but it’s a relieving and enjoyable practice that unfortunately leaves you with piles of humiliating tissues. I have convinced my friends and loved ones that I have a perpetual runny nose so when they see the used tissues in my garbage cans, they don’t suspect anything gross.

Santorum Re-imagined

As my attention is usually set on the kitchen I don’t have a lot of time to focus on politics and issues. Recently though, someone brought to my attention that a man running for president named Rick Santorum has come under attack by gays and liberals for certain things he said, what they are I do not know. What I do know is that a man named Daniel Savage began a campaign to define Rick Santorum’s last name, Santorum, as a neologism:

The frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.

Again, I do not pay attention to political issues and I can’t imagine what Santorum might have said to upset Daniel so much as to provoke him to spread this false definition. But I’m starting a campaign of my own to re-define Santorum one last time as a scrumptious dessert that you’ll be serving at your classiest dinner parties. Pay attention guys.

Start by taking a Snickers bar and sticking it in the microwave for a minute and a half.

Next, we’re going to pour out some whole milk into a bowl. It’s gotta be whole milk guys, the low fat stuff just isn’t creamy enough.

You want to make sure the entire base of the bowl is covered, you shouldn’t have any dry patches.

Now our Snickers has cooked down and it looks absolutely divine. The smooth chocolate balanced out by the crunchy peanuts is a combination that is just to die for.

Take a look at the new Santorum. I don’t see any lubricant and I don’t see any fecal matter. Just two ingredients combined in a perfect synergy to create an elegant dessert. Hopefully, Rick Santorum will be associated with this image from now on.


Elliocentric Model

I generally dread accepting invitations into the homes of others because chances are their culinary offerings aren’t going to be up to snuff. Yesterday, however, I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the freezer in an apartment in which I am welcome.

I’m sure there are some of my  alleged peers (professional chefs) who are sneering at the thought of eating an Ellio’s pizza but any chef worth his weight in spatulas views an Ellio’s pizza as a clean slate, an empty canvas waiting for you to flex your culinary muscles and turn it into a beautiful piece of edible art.

I am an Ellio’s artist and this will be my painter’s palette.

The first step is to stick your pizza in the toaster oven for 15 minutes at 425 degrees Fahrenheit. What we have here is a decent looking pizza that will taste good. But we’re going to make it taste great with some intermediate pouring and disbursing skills.

Sprinkle the crushed red pepper on first. If you stopped here you’d have a mighty delicious pizza but if you let your mouth water and your belly rumble just a few seconds longer, your taste buds will thank you for your patience.

When I was seventeen I grew curious about marijuana, something I had never taken interest in before, because of its popularity with my classmates. I approached one of the students who flaunted his weedship proudly and asked about purchasing some. For $50 I was sold a tiny bag of what I later found out was oregano dipped in ammonia. Despite this unfortunate experience I have no ill feelings towards oregano, ammonia or that classmate of mine who I’ve been assured was dealing with demons of his own that caused him to do such things, and I fully appreciate the versatility of oregano in the kitchen.

As such, you’re going to want to sprinkle oregano over your Ellio’s pizza freely. This is a really great spice that shines in this dish.

Finally, we’re going to give it a nice wallop of Parmesan cheese to round it out. Check out what the original pizza looked like at the top of this post and I bet you won’t even be able to tell that it’s the same slice!

Oventually, Your Kitchen Will Harm You

I couldn’t post yesterday because I was recovering from an injury guys. It involved my kitchen, more specifically my electric oven, and I’m going to recreate the accident through images and words so that hopefully I can prevent anyone else from making the mistake I made.

Attempting to use my oven to broil bread, I neglected to keep the palm of my hand low enough. As a result, when I pushed forward, I received a nasty burn. The moral of this somber tale is to never use the top rack of your oven. Please learn from my expertise and mistakes and only use the lower rack, or lower two racks if you’re fortunate enough to have such a luxurious oven that has three racks.

This mark will remind me for some time to come that I used kitchen equipment improperly.